Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
