There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
