he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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