I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
