come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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