uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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