I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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