plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
