after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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