I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
