i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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