....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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