we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
