the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
