You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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