new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
