i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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