Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
