New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
