My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
