Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
