Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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