my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
