i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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