she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
