God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
