She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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