dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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