I'm so fucking centered right now
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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