I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The uberlube is also flammable
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
