med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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