You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
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He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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