I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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