Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
