He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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