Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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