chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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