Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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