I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
