she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
