From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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