so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize