If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
