I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
