don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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