Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
