My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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