I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
