I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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