it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
