Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
