we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My feet surprised me
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