If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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