i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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