Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
