I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
