All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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