um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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