How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
